Blinded by the light . . .

Or Why loving your message too much can make you a bad communicator

I was going to call this post "I found Jesus in my cappuccino" but I figured that might make some people stop reading.

I was witnessed to the other day. In a Starbucks, no less! I have to give props to the missionaries: two cheery girls who couldn't have been more than 20. I was struck by the sheer fervor of their testimony -- and the bulldog-esque nature of their unwillingness to let go once they had a good bite (I was the bite).

One of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan, does a bit that perfectly illustrates my experience -

"I do want everyone to feel comfortable, that's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus . . . It doesn't matter if you're religious or not, does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger goin' 'I'd like to talk to you about Jesus . . .'?"

The other thing that struck me about these girls was how little they seemed to care about me, their audience. It turned out that what they really wanted to do was perform their well-planned litany of reasons to follow Jesus. The fact that I already knew the litany and expressed my irritation at their very intrusive questions concerning my "personal relationship with Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior" had no impact on their message. They were going to say what they had planned, by God!

Everyone has been in a situation like this. Although it may not have been such a spiritual experience, we have all been the victims of a presenter who LOVES their topic and thinks everyone else should LOVE it, too -- the financial adviser who expounds on the state of affairs on Wall Street, the car lover who details the difference between the '72 and '73 corvette, 0r the communication expert who sees every conversation as an invitation for a lecture on how to be an effective communicator. What each of these speakers seems to forget is that no one else is as invested in their topic as they are. They end up turning people off completely, rather than generating interest. They get the exact opposite of what they are seeking.

Oddly enough, the two missionaries would have created a very positive impression with me had they been a bit less passionate about their topic and paid a bit more attention to my responses. I actually had to be mean to get them to leave (and those of you who know me know that, despite my rather surly exterior, I'm really a softie at heart).

It made me realize that if all of us put a little more effort into exploring how our audience might feel, we would probably change a lot about what we say and how we say it. I know I would. It's a good thing that everyone loves communication as much as I do, huh?

-- Millie Shaw

Gender & Sex: The Debate Continues

I truly hate it when I have to revise my position on a topic like gender and sex. You see for YEARS I taught college students that it was gender: the sociological construction of our masculine or feminine identity that was paramount to all other influences. I was solidly grounded in my belief that nurture trumped nature! Well.....I am not as sure and comfortable in this thinking as I once was. My husband (Mark) and I have two girls who are headed toward adolescence fast and furious. In my attempts to get a handle on this before it happens I picked up the book "The Wonder of Girls" by Michael Gurian, a well published and well respected writer as well as social philosopher, family therapist and all around smart guy.

After I finished this book, I immediately ordered "The Wonder of Boys" to read as well. Now, I don't have sons, but I do have a husband--and I suspected that reading this book would give me insight into how his brain works! A simple issue like "why does Mark (my husband) love to channel surf for long periods of time and it drives me bananas?" Well, Gurian has a simple biological answer for this simple question as well as insight into some of the more complicated issues on how and why we do the things we do.

After I finished both books, I immediately sent an email to friends who are raising kids, friends who are educators and friends who have a pulse--- "READ THESE BOOKS!" It just might help you avoid some of those problems that potentially await you in the future. And save our civilization. OK--that could be a stretch.

Here is the take away from these two books:

1. Boys and Girls (thus men and women) are different biologically. For years, we have ignored the reality of this statement in favor of nurture explanations. Now we have decades of well substantiated research that helps to turn our attention back to the nature of who we are.

2. Moving closer to a balance between nature and nurture to understand who we are is better than a polarized one point of view position (that is as much for me as for anyone else!)

3. The feminist movement and philosophy has done a lot of good. It has taken us only so far though and we need to re-evaluate, redefine and reconsider. (that one is a tough one for me--but after reading Gurian's point of view I have to say I am reconsidering)

4. Our basic nature as men and women do not define our destiny. But, understanding these things (how our brains work, how our hormones work, etc) can allow us to better define our sense of identity and our relationships.

5. Lots of reading, thinking and considering is necessary on our part to fully evolve as men and women. We MUST separate ourselves from the tired and worn out stereotypes that limit us and our relationships.

The content of Gurian's book has caused me to go back and revise my gender in the workplace workshop. That will be the content of my next post: gender at work--moving forward.

To our next president....

It is election season. Many jaded Americans bemoan this time of year, mostly because the world of politics is ugly, slimy and sometimes downright unethical! Let's hope that the next three months are not as ugly as the last political election.

My daughter has asked me several times when we can go to the White House because she wants to meet and talk with our president. I love the mind of a seven year old--she doesn't understand that you can't just walk up and ring the doorbell. But if you could....here is what I would want to tell the next president:

SPEAK ONLY THE WORDS YOU HAVE WRITTEN YOURSELF

If this were an actual practice we would REALLY see our president for who he (or she...one day, one day) really is. We could all sound presidential I think if we had a team of people writing for us. Can you imagine if our sitting president had to write his own material. I'd betcha that would be a whole different bag of tricks wouldn't you?

One of my favorite shows was The West Wing. Rob Lowe was the president's speech writer and on several episodes we watched him labor to find just the right words for President Bartlett's next important speech. And yes...this fake president was articulate and charismatic as many of our past presidents have been. But he didn't write the speeches! I think a person reveals their intellect in their ability to organize and present their ideas and opinions--and the leader of the free world should be articulate given the thousands of people he or she comes into contact with in any given day or week.

You may not have aspirations to be the next president, governor, senator, mayor or town dog catcher, but everyday you give speeches. Think about it--all our communication is in some way a presentation. Take the time to invest in your ability to translate those amazing thoughts you have into messages that people will respond and react to in a positive way.