An Open Letter to my Girls, Maddie and Trinity

Dear Maddie and Trinity,

This is a love letter.

The word on the street is my generation of parents are simply ruining our kids.  The popular terminology is "helicopter parent" and there are now countless articles, books, and experts out there pontificating on how we have gotten it wrong.  You know the parent--they can't let their little one out of their sight for a moment, they do everything they can to keep their kid from experiencing any kind of pain or failure, they micro manage their kid's friendships, activities, food intake, grades, etc.  Our generation of parents fully child proofed our homes, made our own baby food, sat in the classroom with our kids the first week of school to make sure they were adjusting, and going so far as to text their kid's teacher every date for a status report.

If helicopter parenting is defined as "over-parenting" then you might describe my parenting style as "under parenting" (which sounds just awful!)  But I want you to understand WHY I do the things I do.

When I say things like "I don't want to be your friend. That's not my job.  My job is to be your parent" I hope you know that one day I want to be your friend.  But for now we need to maintain like a 80/20 split.  I am 80% parent and 20% friend.  As you age and mature that will change.

When I make you do chores I hope you understand it is because I see your future.  I am always thinking about your future and in your future self I want to know you will be OK living on your own, keeping your "space" and you have a sense of pride in your surroundings.

I hope you understand that when you ask me to go up to the school and give that mean teacher the what for that you understand I don't because I need you to learn to fight your battles.  The truth is that you are always going to have a teacher (boss, co-worker, client) that you just don't like and you gotta learn to get along with them.  It's just the way life works.

Do you get that I don't check your grades on line because quite simply I don't see that as my job or responsibility?  You are smart and you do well in school.  School is your job.  Your grades are your pay check.  If you come home with a bad grade that is on you and ultimately you will pay the price not me.  Will I help you any time you need help? You better believe it!  But I won't do the work for you and I won't hover over you every night to make sure you are doing what you are supposed to.  Because I don't intend to come to your job every day and see if you are doing what you should be doing right?  So this is where you will establish the ability to be self directed and take care of business.

And let me tell you this:

You two are simply the greatest kids I have ever known.  Maddie your quick wit and sense of yourself floors me.  You are so much more sophisticated than I was at 13.  I love that you have spent so much time teaching yourself about hair and makeup and sister I can just see you in ten years doing this for Hollywood Celebrities.  I love that you think about your future and you plan for it.  You have changed so very much over the last year and you are truly coming into yourself.  As your mom it has been a real joy to watch. Do you know that I look up to you?  I really do.  I am inspired by you and your passions.

Trinity at my fundraiser this year when you embraced the woman who was there by herself and got her in the photo booth with you--well it just brings me to tears.  That woman came all alone and earlier that day had told me that she really needed to be there.  I could tell she was in emotional pain.  When she came and told me that you had basically told her "we are going to be friends" it is one of the proudest moments I have had being your mom. Your tender heart makes me more tender hearted.  Thank you for that.

I am so proud that people compliment us on what great manners you girls have.  We have been training you since you could walk and talk to be able to interact with adults and now we are seeing our efforts pay off.

Now do you see that I am a "mean" parent because I love you.  My "under-parenting" is the direct result of being in the college classroom teaching kids who had been over-parented and seeing the effects it had on these kids.  "Heck no!" I thought and I have made a very deliberate attempt to go in a different direction in my parenting.  I also know that every person on this planet is going to experience pain and heart ache and failure and frustration and that is where our character gets built.  I would not be doing you any favors if I protected you from every little thing that the world is going to bring your way.

I love you.  To the moon and back.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and being your mom is the best job I have ever had.  And I am sorry I yelled all the way from the drive way at home to dropping you at school.  And I appreciate you telling me you love me when you got out even if you weren't feeling it.

Your mom.

P.S. Please do the dishes and walk the dog :)