The myth of the Wonder woman Mommy!

My FAVORITE superhero is by far Wonder woman! That is certainly because of Linda Carter as Wonder woman on the totally campy series from the 70's. I thought she was so amazingly beautiful and I so wanted to be her! I never got superhero powers (or a nose wiggle that would make things happen either like Samantha on Bewitched) but that does not keep me from trying to achieve superwoman status. At every turn I have to resist trying to be Wonder woman Mommy!

When I look around I see women like me trying to be Wonder woman Mommy! everywhere. And that has inspired today's post.

Why? Well here is what I think:

The number of women to men in the college classroom has now taken a turn. There are more women going to college, more graduating from college, more going to graduate school. Historically male numbered degree programs like engineering, architecture, medicine, accounting and law are seeing a noticeable shift in their numbers too. When our own daughters head to college there will be more degreed women in our country than men and this is going to change the landscape of business life and home life in ways that we (the fully emancipated generation!) cannot imagine.

And yet, despite how well educated women are today and despite how emancipated we are the urge to mother our young is not lost on all these degreed women. When I had my first I was 26 years old with a bachelor's and master's degree. All that hard work on my education and once she arrived I looked at my husband and told him "I will not leave this little person at daycare or with another person. Period". Staying home with my kids was top priority. Blessed with my degrees I was able to teach two days a week for about four hours away on those two days and spend the bulk of my time with my girls. Even today with a 10 and 8 year old I work from home (ok Starbucks) and my goal is "be there when the school bell rings" at the end of the day. I want my kids to have mom at home.

Now, all of this is going somewhere. I promise. Being this highly accessible mom to my kids makes me very prone to feelings that I am supposed to somehow be Wonder woman Mommy! all the time. I think about things I feel certain my mom never gave a thought to when I was young: lining up play dates, having the right snacks at home after school, taking my kids to all the culturally relevant events in our city, worrying over report cards and homework, planning fun and stimulating things for summer. What has happened is that in many ways I (and my peers) have turned the raising of our children into our profession. We are professional child raisers.

Now I have a theory on why this is the case: most of the women I live around are middle class and have degrees or at least went to college. These two things combine to create the Wonder woman Mommy! challenge that so many of us succumb to.

Working or Working at home or Working from home every mother I encounter these days holds herself to a standard that is ultimately debilitating. Now, I am not suggesting that ALL mothers suffer from this Wonder woman Mommy myth OK? Some don't. I don't think my mom did. I don't think she laid in bed at night and wondered if she was screwing up her kids. I think she did the best she could. And her best was good enough. It really was. I never felt like a project to her. She did not manage my social life or invest in my education to the degree that I felt smothered.

With all this being said here is my take on the Wonder woman Mommy myth:

1. We are not doing our kids any favors managing every aspect of their lives. We are already seeing the impact of helicopter parents on kids coming out of college. These kids can't function! They are moving back home with mommy and daddy because no one taught them to be independent.

2. The Wonder woman Mommy is downright afraid of letting her young fail. But there is great character development in failure. We must must must let our kids fail sometimes. And look I am not talking drugs, sex, etc. I am talking our kid leaves their library book at home and cries because she won't get to check out a book so we go back home, search for the stupid book, and drive it back up to school (look I have done this! I am telling myself this as much as anyone else). We need to let our kids see how if feels to sit there in library and not check out a book. I think if we let them learn the consequences of these little failures then maybe the SUPER BIG LIFE ALTERING FAILURES won't happen when they become teenagers and young adults. They learned early what it means to have consequences to their choices.

3. The Wonder woman Mommy believes she must keep her young stimulated at all times. Now, reflect on your formative years. How much of it was spent exploring outside, "free play" with friends, creating your own world in your bedroom or at the park? Our kids are losing out on this necessary and good part of life b/c Superwoman Mommy spends so much time creating their kid's over scheduled lives.

4. The Wonder woman Mommy is afraid of everything and everyone. At some point we have to start giving our kids some space to roam and explore and seek adventure. Statistically speaking the chances of your kid being abducted are low. And if we prepare our kids and make them smart then we can give them some freedom to be out there in the world.

5. The Wonder woman Mommy thinks anything less than perfect is failure. So your kid didn't make straight A's this six weeks. Who cares? and again I ask Who cares? The research and evidence is clear: your child's success in their adult life will not be connected to their GPA or their IQ. Their emotional and social intelligence will play a far larger role in their success. No lie.

These are just a few of the "powers" of the Wonder woman Mommy that leave us actually feeling drained, overwhelmed and well, powerless. This is a touchy subject. Talking about moms and pointing the finger (at myself really more than anyone else). But it is a topic worth talking about. When we try to be Wonder woman Mommy we fall into the trap of letting the sum of our worth rest in our mommyhood and we often make the terrible mistake of holding other women to our Wonder woman Mommy standards.

Of course your thoughts are welcome.

So today, take off the cape for a minute and rest and relax. It might just make you feel powerful.